Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Future of the Republican Party: Mexico

After losing a second election to Barack Hussein  Obama (a.k.a. the author of Obamacare, the savior of the American Auto Industry and the best Al Green impersonator ever to rock the White House), Republicans are engaged in a national and very public soul-searching (they still haven't found one).  Should they broaden their appeal to gays? women? Hispanics (who aren't already their drivers, cooks, gardeners or nannies)?  What can Republicans do to survive in a world that has evolved way faster than they have (because a lot of them don't hold with none of that thar evil-ution anyhow)?  Adjunct Proff believes that their best hope may be in Mexico.  As that country's newest political party.  Really.

Bienviendo, gabacho Republicanos!
It's not as crazy as it seems.  After electing Abraham Lincoln and freeing all the slaves in the United States, the Republican party hasn't had quite the same zip, dash and swing.  I think that a widespread migration of Republicans to Mexico could be beneficial to both countries.  Just think of it: with all the jobs Republicans claim to be able to create, we in the USA would see a positive drain of motivated Mexican labor away from us and towards Mexico!  Hey, some welfare-food-stamp-addicts who aren't even Mexicans just might emigrate to Mexico to get one of those quality Walmart-Mexico jobs.  That would raise Mexico's standard of living and should clear-out the Home Depot parking lots of gangs of Mexicans just waiting to... get hired by you for the day to help you with your home renovation project.

Amigos! Walmart Guadalajara is hiring! Vamos!
Another thing that Republicans would like about Mexico (besides the average breast-cup size of the average senorita) is the current war on drugs and drug cartels that Mexico seems to be losing at the moment.  One sure-fire (pun intended) thing that ALL Republicans, even Mitt Romney, can agree on is their love of guns.  Lots of guns.  With 30-shot mag-clips (minimum).  That you can purchase legally, carry around with you, and waste anybody who doesn't quite agree with your belief in a conspiracy by the Zionist Occupationist Government (ZOG) to take all their guns and force them to wear bras.  Mexican druggies are armed better than the Columbine killers, so any new Republican immigrant would be expected to be packing heat in their carry-on.  Mexicans have always loved guns --just look at Pancho Villa and the Frito Bandito, for heaven's sake --now THERE were a couple of future Republicans!

I like your assault rifle, jefe!
Mexico also has a lot of natural resources (tequila is not one of them --it is a gift from a loving and compassionate God) that Republicans can extract with minimal concerns over environmental protection (Mexicans don't care), safety standards (Mexicans very rarely slip and fall) or giving back to the community (throw them a big fiesta if you want to give something back).  In fact, there is so much freaking oil in Mexico that they are members of OPEC.  Wouldn't that be cool: seeing Dick Cheney at the next OPEC meeting, schmoozing with old friends like the Saudis and new friends like the Venezuelans?

Mexico also has a long history of welcoming people of different political persuasions and daring them --ahem, helping them to run their country. Why, it was only in the 19th Century that Emperor Napoleon III of France (they skipped #2 for some reason), sent his cousin, Maximilian of Austria, to Mexico to rule it as part of the then-famous World French Empire (I am SO not making this up!)  The only problem is that Napoleon III didn't send Max with enough French troops to actually pull it off, so instead Mexicans started a celebration called El Cinco de Mayo (which Manchester, NH celebrated on El Tercero de Mayo last year for some reason known only to Mayor Ted "Ted" Gatsas).*

*They also shot Emperor Max, the Gabacho in the sombrero.  How racist-ly ironic
Finally, and this is a BIG reason, Mexico needs the Republicans and the United States doesn't need them quite as much as we need jobs, affordable health care, a more equitable system of taxation and a more equal distribution of wealth.  Republicans are against all of these things.  Mexicans are so fed-up with crooks running their country that they'll try ANYone else who has a coherent plan of government that doesn't involve shoot-outs with heavily armed nacro-thugs, debilitating emigration of its youngest and most talented workers, and being pushed around by Los Gabachos up norte in the EUA (Mexican for USA).

But what about the culture-shock, I hear (one of) you cry?  Look, this ain't your abuelo's Mexico: they've got malls, Walmarts, Taco Bells (although no self-respecting Mexican eats there), and all kinds of things that Republican consumers have learned to expect from the service-sector of the economy.  Hey, there are even really great soap operas on T.V., although they are called telenovelas in Mexico.

Cord and Tina can kiss our asses --we're way hotter!
But the best part: all of our pioneer Republicans who opt-out of bitter partisan rancor in favor of a new life and new beginning in funny, sunny Mexico will have an unlimited supply of Mexicans to work for them, cook for them, clean, grocery-shop, pick up the dry-cleaning, raise their kids and just hang with at the bodega.  For the Alaskan Republicans, it would be like Orange County, California vacation all year 'round, minus Disneyland.  But hey, maybe some enterprising emigrant could even build one of those theme-parks in, I don't know, some slum surrounding Mexico City?

From left to right: Tonto, Marioneto Hijo, Miguelito, Donaldo, Perro Feo &
la ardilla más molesta en el mundo.  Ask any Beaner for a translation.
By the way, in case there are any Mexicans or Mexican-Americans reading this blog, I am not being a racist in my depictions of pop-Mexican culture.  I am merely attempting to appeal to racist notions held by American Republicans about Mexican pop-culture so that they will move the hell out of MY country and torment YOUR country for a while.  Hey, why should the EUA hog all this Republican talent?  But if they DO start showing up, wait until they all get there before pulling the ol' Emperor Maximilian-number on them, ok?  Oh, and let them drink all the tap water they want.

We don't need no stinkin' badges!  We need school vouchers!

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