The View from the Podium
Pesky Persian Problems
It has recently come to my attention that the Iranians are doing everything they possibly can to convince the entire world that they are massive tools. They're building sophisticated centrifuges, enriching uranium, hooking-up wannabe suicide bombers with the latest in high explosive evening wear, and they even sent their president, Achmed Ahmadinejad (or "Achmed I'm-a-nut-job", as Jay Leno calls him) to attend the funeral of that perennial friend of the United States, Hugo Chavez. They also have retained some international ambulance-chaser/paparazzi-pimp of a lawyer so they can sue the "Argo" production company for making the Iranians look like stupid douche bags when they didn't catch the CIA (played and directed by Ben Affleck) when they helped the American diplomats escape after the U.S. Embassy in Tehran was overrun in the 1970's (I totally remember that from high school, and they WERE stupid douche bags). And that's just recently. Everywhere you look, the Iranians are trying to bunghole somebody, somewhere.
|My penis is this big. No, really! Silence, I kill you!!!|
|You're not dealing with a jalapeno on a stick, baby!|
|I am a total ancient Stud-Muffin|
But the people who had the biggest man-crush on Cyrus were the ancient Hebrews. This is what they stuck in their Torah about the Big C:
Thus says the Lord to his anointed, to Cyrus, whom he has taken by his right hand to subdue nations before him and strip the loins of kings, to force gateways before him that their gates be closed no more: I will go before you leveling the heights. I will shatter the bronze gateways, smash the iron bars. I will give you the hidden treasures, the secret hoards, that you may know that I am the Lord.
To be fair, some people didn't overly love being governed by a Persian satrap (a kind of governor, not a rodent). These crybabies included the Ionian Greeks, a bunch of whiners who had left Greece proper during the Greek Dark Ages and settled the west coast of Turkey. They wanted to be left alone to practice piracy, buggery, alcoholism (the wine-trade was really important) and those other Greek virtues that we in the west hold so dear.
|Another Greek virtue is the nude-junk-fondle|
The city-state of Athens thought a few drachma could be made supporting these Ionian rebels, so they did, forgetting that by doing this, they had just gone to war with the biggest empire on planet Earth at the time. After they changed out of their soiled underwear, the Greeks met the Persian threat the way they met most threats --by fighting with other Greeks over the question of who's going to have to stop the crazy-huge Persian war machine. Athens lost (won?), so they had the honor (terror?) of facing the Persians at the Battle of Marathon in 490 BCE (Before Crap Existed).
You've probably heard about that battle, especially how far the battlefield was from Athens (26.2 miles), because that's what we remember every time we run a marathon race in the modern world. You may even have heard of the Athenian runner, Phidippides, who brought the news of Athenian victory back to the town. What you probably never heard (unless you were awake in my class at SNHU that afternoon) was that Phidippides had to run TWO marathons that day, and fight in the Battle of Marathon in between runs! No wonder the poor bugger dropped dead after saying, "Rejoice, for we conquer!" --I'm tired after driving 26.2 miles...
|Dude, you want me to run BACK??? WTF?!?|
|The translation reads,|
"Gonna whup me some Persian butt!"
After the arrival of Islam, the Persians had yet one more reason to hate the west. We were, after all, sending armed crusaders to occupy the third most holy city in all of Islam. Fortunately for the West, the Persians got creamed by the Mongols and were a bit out of it for most of the Middle Ages.
After a while, the Iranians asserted their dominance over the Iranian Plateau and established a pretty good kingdom, which the West basically ignored until oil was discovered there in the 20th century. What we did next was probably what has the Iranians so pissed-off at us currently: the CIA and MI-5 (think Bond. James Bond) got rid of the current king who thought it would be nice if all the foreigners left his country the heck alone, and put Shah Reza Pahlavi on the Peacock Throne with the understanding that Iran would supply the West with crude oil at $0.0002 cents per gallon, which Mobil and BP could refine into gasoline and sell for $4.5999 per gallon. The Ayatollah took offense to that sweetheart deal, and here we are today.
|I once went this many years without farting. And without having sex. With another person. Really! Silence, I kill you!|