That's Just Impeachy

Sure, we all know how we GET a president.  In November, we walk into a little cubicle with a curtain, color in a bubble on a form (a VOTE) and whomever has the most bubbles, erm, votes, wins!  Usually.  Ok, not if you're Al Gore.  Or Hillary Clinton.  See, they flunked out of the Electoral College.  Bet they both wished they had stayed awake in ol' Ex Proff's class, eh?  Then they too might have been president.  But who cares how we get 'em?  The hot topic today is how we GET RID of them.  Hypothetically, what if the man anointed by the Electoral College turns out to have, I don't know, colluded with a foreign power to steal the election through information theft and a massive campaign of propaganda and disinformation.  Let's say further that the "President" then used the office to enrich himself and his family at the expense of the national interest.  Oh, and finally, what if the individual in question is a real douchebag?

The biggest, best, most un-be-lievable douchebag ever seen...

Why, just impeach them, I hear you cry.  Weeelllll, not reeeeeaaaalllllly.  The real answer is that nobody's all that sure, because since our nation's founding, we've never had to get rid of a president before today.  Wait a minute, you say, what about Andrew Johnson?  Richard Nixon?  Bill Clinton?  Weren't they all impeached?  Wrong again.  Only Clinton and Johnson were impeached.  Nixon probably would have been impeached but he resigned first.  Clinton was acquitted, and so was Johnson, though the latter was just one vote short of being convicted.  But all this isn't to say we haven't gotten rid of presidents before.  The only problem is that they've all been assassinated.  And I don't care how big a douchebag anybody is, nobody deserves to be assassinated.  I think.  Unless you're talking about someone who's really, really horrendous -a complete threat to our democratic way of life.  And is a colossal douchebag, a literal douche-pontoon-aircraft carrier.  So, back to our original problem: how do we get rid of Tr-- err, a hypothetical Douche-Bagger-In-Chief?

I think it should start with Impeachment.  That much is certain.  That's how to get rid of recalcitrant executive department officials that won't leave when asked, and Federal judges who would rather take bribes than do their jobs.  Not just anybody can be impeached, however, The Constitution specifies that in order to be impeached, the impeachee must have committed a "high crime or misdemeanor."  What this means is that they had to break a law slightly greater than sidewalk spitting.  Heck, that's easy.  Any crooked cop can plant some pills on an unsuspecting traffic stop and presto, the defendant goes to trial.  However, what the Clinton impeachment shows us is that in order to get rid of the President, you have to have the votes in Congress --a super majority at that.

I was NOT convicted by THAT Congress

So, impeach, then try them by a Congress that will convict them, then,,, then what?  Again, nobody knows for sure because it's never gone this far before.  There are a few very important "what ifs?"  Let's start with this one: what if the President leaves the country for, I'm just spitballing here, Russia and claims that they're the victim of a legislative coup d' etat and they'd really appreciate Russia's help at getting them back in the driver seat over at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?  What if a lot of other countries around the world believe it too?  What if the United Nations weighs in, calling the impeachment trial "problematic" or "of suspicious motive?"  Does Congress then defy the world?  What if the convicted president doesn't skip the country; who arrests them?  The Capitol Police?  Supposing they are arrested; where are they held?  Or is it enough that they have been kicked out of being president?  Do we just forget about those high crimes and misdemeanors that cost them the job, or does some attorney general or other indict them in front of a grand jury and then go try them --in which court?  Federal?  The state court where the crime took place?  The Washington DC Municipal Court if it happened in DC?

So many questions... I have the best questions... my questions are spec-tac-u-lar...

Once again, nobody knows.  We'd be making up all this shit as we went along.  That said, there have been judges who have been impeached and subsequently prosecuted for their crimes, so Congress could just copy what happened in those events and apply them to the problem of what to do to a wayward president.  But these questions pale in comparison to the one, big, unstated question:  what the heck do we do if he just won't go?

This is not as far-fetched as it seems.  At the beginning of our republic, John Adams was convinced that Thomas Jefferson was getting ready to unleash the horrors of the French Revolution --complete with guillotines in the public squares --onto the American people following his election in 1800.  There was talk, some of it quite heated and serious, of Adams barricading himself in the White House and summoning the army to arrest Jefferson and his supporters.  Adams took the high road, however, choosing only to leave tacks on all the seats in the East Room and swipe all the soap and monogrammed towels.  Jefferson did the same to Madison, by the way.

I also left all the chamber pots full.  Of poop.  Haha!

What I'm getting at here is the very real possibility that an impeached president just may try to brass-balls-it-out and go on national TV or, let's just see here, Twitter, and complain that it's all the result of a Deep State Conspiracy against him, engineered by Obama, with the collusion of the Fake News industry, and all True Americans need to help their legally elected president by taking their constitutionally protected guns and hurrying to Washington.  If this happens, about half of those NRA KKK MAGA* dipshits would head for Washington state and get arrested by a bunch of Washington State Police, but the other half would spread murder and mayhem all over the country until downtown Sheboygan resembled the Kabul Green Zone.  While they were doing that, their political allies and apologists would do everything in their power to aid and abet them from the sidelines, until the country settles down into a comfortable civil war.  And let's remember how much fun the LAST one was: 650,000 soldiers dead, famine, disease, social upheaval and foreign meddlers on the doorstep just itching to step in and carve the United States up into spheres of economic and political influence.  Planet Earth will then be lead by another power (China probably), while the United States enters a period of cultural, economic and social decline, from which it may take centuries to recover.

*National Riflemen's Association, Ku Klux Klan, and Make America Great Again

Introducing North America's next great Superpower...

But let's not let a little thing like uncertainty stop us from doing what needs to be done.  If a president acquires the office through the collusion of a foreign power, they must be removed.  If they use the office for their private enrichment and their family's gain, they must be removed.  If they are too dumb to do the job or too lazy, then they should resign.  Either way, Donald Trump should resign or else be impeached.  But that doesn't stop the problem that created Donald Trump.   If they want to hold onto their jobs, Democrats and Republicans need to see to the good of the American voter who voted for Trump.  Some meaningful constraints must be placed on the real fake news, ie., Breitbart, Fox and the dark, racist corners of the web, in order to silence the lunatic fringe's propaganda machine.  And finally, American politics needs to purge itself of rancour and ideology and raise high the moral standard of public service.  The American Presidency is not a prize to be fought over by billionaires.

I WON'T live in the White House, Mummy!  It's to old and small
and there are NO gold toilet seats!

The Future of the Republican Party: Mexico

After losing a second election to Barack Hussein  Obama (a.k.a. the author of Obamacare, the savior of the American Auto Industry and the best Al Green impersonator ever to rock the White House), Republicans are engaged in a national and very public soul-searching (they still haven't found one).  Should they broaden their appeal to gays? women? Hispanics (who aren't already their drivers, cooks, gardeners or nannies)?  What can Republicans do to survive in a world that has evolved way faster than they have (because a lot of them don't hold with none of that thar evil-ution anyhow)?  Adjunct Proff believes that their best hope may be in Mexico.  As that country's newest political party.  Really.

Bienviendo, gabacho Republicanos!

It's not as crazy as it seems.  After electing Abraham Lincoln and freeing all the slaves in the United States, the Republican party hasn't had quite the same zip, dash and swing.  I think that a widespread migration of Republicans to Mexico could be beneficial to both countries.  Just think of it: with all the jobs Republicans claim to be able to create, we in the USA would see a positive drain of motivated Mexican labor away from us and towards Mexico!  Hey, some welfare-food-stamp-addicts who aren't even Mexicans just might emigrate to Mexico to get one of those quality Walmart-Mexico jobs.  That would raise Mexico's standard of living and should clear-out the Home Depot parking lots of gangs of Mexicans just waiting to... get hired by you for the day to help you with your home renovation project.

Amigos! Walmart Guadalajara is hiring! Vamos!

Another thing that Republicans would like about Mexico (besides the average breast-cup size of the average senorita) is the current war on drugs and drug cartels that Mexico seems to be losing at the moment.  One sure-fire (pun intended) thing that ALL Republicans, even Mitt Romney, can agree on is their love of guns.  Lots of guns.  With 30-shot mag-clips (minimum).  That you can purchase legally, carry around with you, and waste anybody who doesn't quite agree with your belief in a conspiracy by the Zionist Occupationist Government (ZOG) to take all their guns and force them to wear bras.  Mexican druggies are armed better than the Columbine killers, so any new Republican immigrant would be expected to be packing heat in their carry-on.  Mexicans have always loved guns --just look at Pancho Villa and the Frito Bandito, for heaven's sake --now THERE were a couple of future Republicans!

I like your assault rifle, jefe!

Mexico also has a lot of natural resources (tequila is not one of them --it is a gift from a loving and compassionate God) that Republicans can extract with minimal concerns over environmental protection (Mexicans don't care), safety standards (Mexicans very rarely slip and fall) or giving back to the community (throw them a big fiesta if you want to give something back).  In fact, there is so much freaking oil in Mexico that they are members of OPEC.  Wouldn't that be cool: seeing Dick Cheney at the next OPEC meeting, schmoozing with old friends like the Saudis and new friends like the Venezuelans?

Mexico also has a long history of welcoming people of different political persuasions and daring them --ahem, helping them to run their country. Why, it was only in the 19th Century that Emperor Napoleon III of France (they skipped #2 for some reason), sent his cousin, Maximilian of Austria, to Mexico to rule it as part of the then-famous World French Empire (I am SO not making this up!)  The only problem is that Napoleon III didn't send Max with enough French troops to actually pull it off, so instead Mexicans started a celebration called El Cinco de Mayo (which Manchester, NH celebrated on El Tercero de Mayo last year for some reason known only to Mayor Ted "Ted" Gatsas).*

*They also shot Emperor Max, the Gabacho in the sombrero.  How racist-ly ironic

Finally, and this is a BIG reason, Mexico needs the Republicans and the United States doesn't need them quite as much as we need jobs, affordable health care, a more equitable system of taxation and a more equal distribution of wealth.  Republicans are against all of these things.  Mexicans are so fed-up with crooks running their country that they'll try ANYone else who has a coherent plan of government that doesn't involve shoot-outs with heavily armed nacro-thugs, debilitating emigration of its youngest and most talented workers, and being pushed around by Los Gabachos up norte in the EUA (Mexican for USA).

But what about the culture-shock, I hear (one of) you cry?  Look, this ain't your abuelo's Mexico: they've got malls, Walmarts, Taco Bells (although no self-respecting Mexican eats there), and all kinds of things that Republican consumers have learned to expect from the service-sector of the economy.  Hey, there are even really great soap operas on T.V., although they are called telenovelas in Mexico.

Cord and Tina can kiss our asses --we're way hotter!

But the best part: all of our pioneer Republicans who opt-out of bitter partisan rancor in favor of a new life and new beginning in funny, sunny Mexico will have an unlimited supply of Mexicans to work for them, cook for them, clean, grocery-shop, pick up the dry-cleaning, raise their kids and just hang with at the bodega.  For the Alaskan Republicans, it would be like Orange County, California vacation all year 'round, minus Disneyland.  But hey, maybe some enterprising emigrant could even build one of those theme-parks in, I don't know, some slum surrounding Mexico City?

From left to right: Tonto, Marioneto Hijo, Miguelito, Donaldo, Perro Feo &
la ardilla más molesta en el mundo.  Ask any Beaner for a translation.

By the way, in case there are any Mexicans or Mexican-Americans reading this blog, I am not being a racist in my depictions of pop-Mexican culture.  I am merely attempting to appeal to racist notions held by American Republicans about Mexican pop-culture so that they will move the hell out of MY country and torment YOUR country for a while.  Hey, why should the EUA hog all this Republican talent?  But if they DO start showing up, wait until they all get there before pulling the ol' Emperor Maximilian-number on them, ok?  Oh, and let them drink all the tap water they want.

We don't need no stinkin' badges!  We need school vouchers!