Don't Mess With Pro Sports!

For the LAST TIME,  football players ARE NOT EXEMPT from exams!

Today's post is a cautionary one for any orange-tinged, extravagantly combed-over so-called political leaders that might --just might --try messing with professional sports in their country in an attempt to distract the citizens from the things that matter most: good government, competent leaders, pro sports, and drinking beer while watching pro sports.

Soooo, how long HAVE you been a Broncos fan, Mr. Incredible Hulk?

You see, people the world over are really attached to their professional sports teams.  They enjoy the social aspect of gathering together in a huge crowd, watching athletes play a kid's game and almost murder each other in the process.  Sports were big in ancient times, too.  Take the Ancient Romans for example.  They enjoyed horse racing, gladiator fights, public executions and animal-on-human fights to the death.

Public games were initially associated with funeral rites for important people but, over time, these public spectacles became an integral part of Rome's political life.  Rich people and powerful politicians would sponsor the games which also included free food for Rome's poorest citizens.  The games served an important social purpose, as they were used to distract the plebeians, Rome's working class, from their humdrum existence so that they wouldn't revolt (to read what happened when the plebeians DID revolt, click here).  On one memorable occasion, games were used to try and "spin" an assassination.  Brutus was one of Julius Caesar's assassins.  To get the people of Rome to forget that and just move on, he sponsored a lavish series of games.  Caesar's adopted son, Octavian, sponsored an EVEN MORE KICK-ASS series of games so that the Romans WOULDN'T  forget and forgive.  Since Octavian became Rome's first Emperor and Brutus did not, one is left to conclude that the games had a pivotal role in shaping public opinion.

  As Roman society began its long period of moral decline, writers like Juvenal had occasion to lament the popularity of the games at the expense of civic engagement: 

"...the public has long since cast off its cares;

 for the people that once bestowed commands,

 consulships, legions, and all else, now cares no 

more and longs eagerly for just two things:

 bread and circuses."

-Juvenal, Satire #10

Rome also had a very robust tradition of professional equestrian sports, including individual horse racing, chariot racing, and one combined event that started out as a horse race, but halfway through, the jockey dismounted and finished the race on foot.  Chariot racing was a hybrid of individual and team effort.   The chariot itself had only one driver, but was supported by chariot wrights, wheelwrights, stable owners, horse trainers and such.  As a sport, it was  really exciting to watch --more so than today's NASCAR races -- and each racing team had its own fan base, or demes, which were identified by the color uniform the charioteer wore.  In Rome, the demes were the Blues, Greens, Reds, and Whites.  By the time of Rome's successor empire, the Byzantines, only the Blues and Greens had any real influence on the sport or on Byzantine society.  And it is with the sport of chariot racing at the Constantinople Hippodrome that I turn to next in this cautionary political tale.  

"Swan boinked my baby!"

In A.D. 532, Byzantium's Emperor was Justinian I.  To say he was an unpopular political figure was putting it mildly.  The empire struggled under taxes that were so high because of Justinian's foreign wars against the Persians; Byzantine nobles hated Justinian because of his hostility towards them and his supposed love for the common people; the commoners hated him because he had married a woman whose father was a circus animal trainer, and who herself was a prostitute/exotic dancer whose act was so raunchy that even I won't describe it here.  Suffice it to say that she presented an artistic and anatomically correct interpretation of Leda and the Swan, a story from Greek mythology where Zeus changes into a swan so he can boink the lovely and mortal Leda on the down-low.  Not being judgey or anything, but the Byzantine Empire was supposed to be officially Christian, and if immortal-on-mortal bestiality was okay with Justinian, maybe there was a problem at the top.  

On January 13, 532 a large, pissed-off crowd assembled at the Hippodrome to watch the races --yeah right, they were there to cause trouble.  By the 14th race, the crowd had given up all pretense of cheering and had instead taken up the cry of "Nika! Nika!"--Greek for Victory! or Conquer! --hurling insults at the Royal Box, then hurling rocks and small children.  They then set a bunch of fires, killed a bunch of soldiers, and attacked the palace.

"Yay team! Good race!  Now: who wants to riot in the streets?"

At about this point in the narrative, you might be asking yourself, "Why was the crowd so pissed-off in the first place --I mean besides the fact that Justinian was such a dick?" Well, during a small, regular, normal riot earlier that month, a bunch of Green and Blue demes had murdered each other and the survivors got arrested.  One of the arrested Greens and one of the Blues escaped on January 10, ran to a church and claimed sanctuary.  In an attempt to kiss Green and Blue ass, Justinian commuted the escapees' punishment to life in prison instead of death, which only further enraged both factions, because they wanted charges dropped entirely.  Add this to the high taxes and the trampy Empress, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

By now, with his palace under siege, his army defecting and his Senate backing a replacement emperor, Justinian quite sensibly grabbed a bunch of gold and jewels, loaded up a boat with anything valuable that wasn't bolted down, and was just about ready to sail when Theodora barged in and delivered the performance of her life:

"Oh, and did I mention that I look
bitchin' in purple?

"In my opinion, flight is not the right course, even if it should bring us to safety. It is impossible for a person, having been born into this world, not to die; but for one who has reigned it is intolerable to be a fugitive. May I never be deprived of this purple robe, and may I never see the day when those who meet me do not call me empress. If you wish to save yourself, my lord, there is no difficulty. We are rich; over there is the sea, and yonder are the ships. Yet reflect for a moment whether, when you have once escaped to a place of security, you would not gladly exchange such safety for death. As for me, I agree with the adage that the royal purple is the noblest shroud."

Thus fired-up, Justinian gathered his remaining loyal troops and slaughtered about 30,000 people, but none of that would have been necessary if Justinian didn't mess with sports fans in the first place.

We live in a world today where the President of the United States picks fights with the entire National Football League, with winning basketball and baseball teams, with college teams, with individual star players --hey, I'm waiting for him to tweet some smack about my nephew's middle school soccer team next. He'd better cut it out now --not just for the good of the game or for the good of the nation, but for his own good too. Because if he doesn't, Trump could be chased from the Oval Office by a bunch of pissed-off fans. And I don't see Melania doing anything about it a la Theodora.

"I'm outta here, losers!"

We're the (other) Romans

 the View from the Podium

Today's View from the Podium looks at the United States in 2013 and finds some startling similarities with a different empire from long ago.  You may already be familiar with comparisons between the U.S. and Rome --how we're both republics (or were), how they liked live sports as much as we do (minus the cruelty-to-animals-and-Christians aspect of it for us), or how we have a kick-ass army (10-1-2) and so did they (35-14-0).  While all that might be true, I believe that the empire we have the most in common with isn't the Italian Romans --it's the Greek Romans.  Hear me out.

Emperor Justinian and pals

The Greek Romans, a.k.a. the Byzantines, survived the collapse of the West and the fall of Rome in 476 a.d. quite well, thank you, and were in business for the next thousand years, give or take a few.  The United States, while it can't claim quite so many aged, grey hairs, has been around a respectable amount of time, if you're willing to count back to our humble beginnings at Jamestown.  As for our survival skills, we survived the Civil War, a war that saw battle fatalities that were greater than entire Byzantine wars.

Battle of Antietam: tons of people died.

The Byzantines practiced slavery (as did the entire ancient world), just like the United States did, until that little Civil War thing (see above).  The Byzantines, like their Roman cousins, loved sporting events and, if given the chance, would probably be hard-core NASCAR fans.  Their racetrack was called the Hippodrome and the vehicles were slightly slower than today's NASCAR racers (horse-drawn chariots), but the thrill, wrecks, colorful personalities and spectator tail-gating were all the same.  If anything, Byzantine fans were way more bad-ass than even the most die-hard Green Bay Packers cheese-head.  

Yup, even bigger-ass than this guy

The year was 532 CE; the place was Constantinople (not yet Istanbul).  The crowd was in a pissy mood because two hooligan fans' death sentences had been commuted to imprisonment (their tail-gate buddies wanted them to go totally free).  That, and the Byzantine citizens were suffering under a crushing load of taxes in order to support Emperor Justinian's attempt to reconstitute the Roman Empire by invading Italy, Spain, France, etc.  The race fans, usually divided into factions or demes, all started chanting, "Nika!  Nika!" in unison (Greek for "Victory!") and pelted Justinian's royal box with rocks, trash and the occasional Greek equivalent of Coors Lite bottles.  The riot spilled out of the Hippodrome and soon swept the entire city.  Emperor Justinian was just about to do the sensible thing (bugger-out and save his royal ass, of course!), but was stopped by his wife, the incredibly beautiful and ballsy Theodora,who told him, 

Really rockin' that mosaic-look,
Empress T!

"My opinion then is that the present time, above all others, is inopportune for flight, even though it bring safety … for one who has been an emperor it is unendurable to be a fugitive. May I never be separated from this purple, and may I not live that day on which those who meet me shall not address me as mistress. If, now, it is your wish to save yourself, O Emperor, there is no difficulty. For we have much money, and there is the sea, here the boats. However consider whether it will not come about after you have been saved that you would gladly exchange that safety for death. For as for myself, I approve a certain ancient saying that royalty is a good burial-shroud.”

Empress T was certainly cut from the same cloth as Barbara Bush!


The United States is feared and respected the world over for our scary arsenal of ultimate weapons like nuclear ICBM's, Predator Drones with Hell-fire missiles, smart bombs and stealth fighters.  The Byzantines had, for their day, the ultimate weapon: Greek Fire.  Even today, nobody is too sure just what the hell this stuff was, but it was some kind of petroleum-based flame-thrower mounted on the bows of Byzantine ships. This, plus a big-ass chain across the harbor, kept enemies from attacking by sea; the highest, thickest castle walls of the Middle Ages kept Constantinople safe from the land side.

Why don't the Turks in the burning boat look more terrified?

Both the Byzantines and the United States had a professional diplomatic corps (which the Byzantines invented); both countries used foreign "aid" and/or bribery to further their foreign policy objectives; both also had superb spying networks inside and outside their borders.  Lastly, both the Byzantines and the U.S. made use of "enhanced interrogation tactics" when dealing with people who really just plain pissed them off.  Most everyone has heard of "water-boarding" --it featured prominently in the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts.  As for the Byzantines, they had a thing for gouging people's eyes out.

No, that isn't the first lasik surgery!

In one of their wars with the Bulgarians, Emperor Basil II took roughly 8,000 Bulgarian captives, divided them into groups of 100 and blinded 99 of them, leaving 1 soldier in each group with only one eye so he could lead his blinded comrades home.  The Bulgar Khan, Samuel, dropped dead of a heart attack on seeing his returned, blinded soldiers!

Today, the term, "Byzantine" is used to describe things (usually rules and regulations) that are confusing, secretive, arbitrary or unnecessarily complicated.  Back in the day,however, they were the bad-ass half of the Roman Empire that the barbarians couldn't beat down.  They preserved the classical heritage of the west and, for 800 years, kept Western Europe from being overrun by first Arabs, then Turks, then tourists (ok, maybe a FEW tourists snuck in :-P)  And if the USA is Nova Roma, I think we're the other Romans --the Greek Byzantine Romans.