Don't Mess With Pro Sports!

For the LAST TIME,  football players ARE NOT EXEMPT from exams!

Today's post is a cautionary one for any orange-tinged, extravagantly combed-over so-called political leaders that might --just might --try messing with professional sports in their country in an attempt to distract the citizens from the things that matter most: good government, competent leaders, pro sports, and drinking beer while watching pro sports.

Soooo, how long HAVE you been a Broncos fan, Mr. Incredible Hulk?

You see, people the world over are really attached to their professional sports teams.  They enjoy the social aspect of gathering together in a huge crowd, watching athletes play a kid's game and almost murder each other in the process.  Sports were big in ancient times, too.  Take the Ancient Romans for example.  They enjoyed horse racing, gladiator fights, public executions and animal-on-human fights to the death.

Public games were initially associated with funeral rites for important people but, over time, these public spectacles became an integral part of Rome's political life.  Rich people and powerful politicians would sponsor the games which also included free food for Rome's poorest citizens.  The games served an important social purpose, as they were used to distract the plebeians, Rome's working class, from their humdrum existence so that they wouldn't revolt (to read what happened when the plebeians DID revolt, click here).  On one memorable occasion, games were used to try and "spin" an assassination.  Brutus was one of Julius Caesar's assassins.  To get the people of Rome to forget that and just move on, he sponsored a lavish series of games.  Caesar's adopted son, Octavian, sponsored an EVEN MORE KICK-ASS series of games so that the Romans WOULDN'T  forget and forgive.  Since Octavian became Rome's first Emperor and Brutus did not, one is left to conclude that the games had a pivotal role in shaping public opinion.

  As Roman society began its long period of moral decline, writers like Juvenal had occasion to lament the popularity of the games at the expense of civic engagement: 

"...the public has long since cast off its cares;

 for the people that once bestowed commands,

 consulships, legions, and all else, now cares no 

more and longs eagerly for just two things:

 bread and circuses."

-Juvenal, Satire #10

Rome also had a very robust tradition of professional equestrian sports, including individual horse racing, chariot racing, and one combined event that started out as a horse race, but halfway through, the jockey dismounted and finished the race on foot.  Chariot racing was a hybrid of individual and team effort.   The chariot itself had only one driver, but was supported by chariot wrights, wheelwrights, stable owners, horse trainers and such.  As a sport, it was  really exciting to watch --more so than today's NASCAR races -- and each racing team had its own fan base, or demes, which were identified by the color uniform the charioteer wore.  In Rome, the demes were the Blues, Greens, Reds, and Whites.  By the time of Rome's successor empire, the Byzantines, only the Blues and Greens had any real influence on the sport or on Byzantine society.  And it is with the sport of chariot racing at the Constantinople Hippodrome that I turn to next in this cautionary political tale.  

"Swan boinked my baby!"

In A.D. 532, Byzantium's Emperor was Justinian I.  To say he was an unpopular political figure was putting it mildly.  The empire struggled under taxes that were so high because of Justinian's foreign wars against the Persians; Byzantine nobles hated Justinian because of his hostility towards them and his supposed love for the common people; the commoners hated him because he had married a woman whose father was a circus animal trainer, and who herself was a prostitute/exotic dancer whose act was so raunchy that even I won't describe it here.  Suffice it to say that she presented an artistic and anatomically correct interpretation of Leda and the Swan, a story from Greek mythology where Zeus changes into a swan so he can boink the lovely and mortal Leda on the down-low.  Not being judgey or anything, but the Byzantine Empire was supposed to be officially Christian, and if immortal-on-mortal bestiality was okay with Justinian, maybe there was a problem at the top.  

On January 13, 532 a large, pissed-off crowd assembled at the Hippodrome to watch the races --yeah right, they were there to cause trouble.  By the 14th race, the crowd had given up all pretense of cheering and had instead taken up the cry of "Nika! Nika!"--Greek for Victory! or Conquer! --hurling insults at the Royal Box, then hurling rocks and small children.  They then set a bunch of fires, killed a bunch of soldiers, and attacked the palace.

"Yay team! Good race!  Now: who wants to riot in the streets?"

At about this point in the narrative, you might be asking yourself, "Why was the crowd so pissed-off in the first place --I mean besides the fact that Justinian was such a dick?" Well, during a small, regular, normal riot earlier that month, a bunch of Green and Blue demes had murdered each other and the survivors got arrested.  One of the arrested Greens and one of the Blues escaped on January 10, ran to a church and claimed sanctuary.  In an attempt to kiss Green and Blue ass, Justinian commuted the escapees' punishment to life in prison instead of death, which only further enraged both factions, because they wanted charges dropped entirely.  Add this to the high taxes and the trampy Empress, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

By now, with his palace under siege, his army defecting and his Senate backing a replacement emperor, Justinian quite sensibly grabbed a bunch of gold and jewels, loaded up a boat with anything valuable that wasn't bolted down, and was just about ready to sail when Theodora barged in and delivered the performance of her life:

"Oh, and did I mention that I look
bitchin' in purple?

"In my opinion, flight is not the right course, even if it should bring us to safety. It is impossible for a person, having been born into this world, not to die; but for one who has reigned it is intolerable to be a fugitive. May I never be deprived of this purple robe, and may I never see the day when those who meet me do not call me empress. If you wish to save yourself, my lord, there is no difficulty. We are rich; over there is the sea, and yonder are the ships. Yet reflect for a moment whether, when you have once escaped to a place of security, you would not gladly exchange such safety for death. As for me, I agree with the adage that the royal purple is the noblest shroud."

Thus fired-up, Justinian gathered his remaining loyal troops and slaughtered about 30,000 people, but none of that would have been necessary if Justinian didn't mess with sports fans in the first place.

We live in a world today where the President of the United States picks fights with the entire National Football League, with winning basketball and baseball teams, with college teams, with individual star players --hey, I'm waiting for him to tweet some smack about my nephew's middle school soccer team next. He'd better cut it out now --not just for the good of the game or for the good of the nation, but for his own good too. Because if he doesn't, Trump could be chased from the Oval Office by a bunch of pissed-off fans. And I don't see Melania doing anything about it a la Theodora.

"I'm outta here, losers!"