Monday, October 12, 2015

Colombo, a Ribald Holiday Ballad

Special Columbus Day Edition! --erm, Indigenous Peoples' Day
--umm, the Holiday Formerly known as --you know what, just
F*CK  IT!!!  Nobody gets the day off any more, so who CARES
whatever the f*ck it's called?!?
Today on View from the Podium, a reprint --without permission --of that dirty sea-chaunty Salty Dick's song, Colombo, with two added verses composed by me --also without permission.  Enjoy!

In fourteen-hundred ninety-two a sailor from Eye-tally,
He walked the dirty streets of Spain and he shat in every alley!
At that time reigned a fair, young Queen of Spain named Isabella,
Who cast an amour-ush-is glance at Chris, the smart young fella.
He knew the world was round-oh,
His balls did touch the ground-oh,
That syphilitic, hypo-critic, son-of-a-bitch Colombo.
 
Colombo went to the Queen of Spain and he made a proposition,
But what she wanted most to do was fuck in the prone position!
The Queen of Spain then said to him, she’d give him ships and cargo,
He said “I’ll kiss yer Royal Ass if I don’t bring back Chicago!”
He knew the world was round-oh,
The queenly-cunt he’d pound-oh,
That fornicating, royal-mating, son-of-a-bitch Colombo. 



Three little ships set out to sea, each one a double-decker,
The Queen she waved the royal flag; Colombo waved his pecker!
Colombo paced upon the deck, he knew it was his duty,
He took his wang into his hand and said, “Ain’t that a beauty!”
He knew the world was round-oh,
That sailors could be browned-oh,
That dirty lecher, asshole-stretcher, son-of-a-bitch Colombo. 

Colombo had a second-mate who he loved just like a brother,
And every nights below the deck they’d bung-hole one another.
The fourteen-year-old cabin boy, that dirty little nipper,
Shoved powdered glass right up his ass and he circumcised the skipper.
He knew the world was round-oh,
His pecker it was ground-oh,
That bleedin’ fucker, weenie-sucker, son-of-a-bitch Colombo. 

For forty days and forty nights they sailed the broad Atlantic,
Until at last for a piece of ass the whole crew it grew frantic.
A mermaid came a’swimming by –the crew let out a holler,
And when they tossed her overboard she’d made ten thousand dollars.
He knew the world was round-oh,
That tail could be found-oh,
That navigating, masturbating, son-of-a-bitch Colombo. 



And when the lookout sighted land, the Natives came to meet ‘em,
(The crew was armed up to their teeth in case they tried to eat ‘em!)
Colombo then said to the chief, “Hey, where be all the women?”
He said, “buck-naked by the crick; on Fridays they go swimmin’”
He knew the world was round-oh,
Some native snatch he’d found-oh,
That sailing-master, lucky bastard, son-of-a-bitch Colombo. 

The Spaniards chose a group of men to find those native bitches,
But all they found was poison oak and soon they had the itches!
Colombo laughed at all of them, sayin’ “Boys, no need to scratch so,
I’ll find that pussy by myself and youse can lick my asshole!”
He knew the world was round-oh,
For pussy he was bound-oh,
That most ironic, high colonic, son-of-a-bitch Colombo. 



An Indian maid appeared on shore, Colombo soon pursued her,
The white of his spunk rolled down her leg –the son-of-a-bitch, he screwed her!
And when he got back home to Spain to tell of his adventures,
Queen Isabella sucked him off –of course, without her dentures.
He knew the world was round-oh,
His dangling dong was crowned-oh,
That syphilitic, hypo-critic, fornicating, royal-mating,
Dirty lecher, asshole-stretcher, bleedin’ fucker, weenie-sucker,
Navigating, masturbating, sailing-master, lucky bastard,
Most ironic, high colonic, son-of-a-bitch Colombo!

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