Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Post in which I Sell My Soul

A couple of weeks have come and gone since my city of Boston was attacked by a couple of slacker shitheads, aided and abetted after the fact by their friends who "didn't want them to get in trouble," so they tried to destroy material evidence of the crime by throwing it out in a public dumpster.  Firstly, let me say that I am thankful to the American education system and American pop culture (Beavis and Buthead, especially) for creating the climate of complete idiocy that all of these shitheads were raised and nurtured in.  If their generation was raised amid the sociological and historical conditions that produced The Greatest Generation (survived the Great Depression, won World War II, repopulated the country with Baby Boomers, made so much friggin' money that they defeated Communism because it couldn't economically compete with us so they threw in the towel and began opening up McDonalds and Baby Gaps all over Siberia) --IF they were made of the same stuff my father and his pals were, then there would have been a chance that Deceased-Shithead-Suspect-#1 and Shot-Up-Shithead-Suspect-#2 might --just might --have carried out their attack and gotten away.
"Woah!  Uhhhh, we like thwarted an attack, you butt-monkey!"
"Yeah, heh heh, yeah, that's kinda cool, heh heh!"
I am also grateful to the ordinary race spectators who helped stabilize people who had gotten their arms and legs blown off, and the First Responders who rushed into the scene while not knowing if another bomb was going to go off, in order to get these victims to the best effing hospitals in the whole effing world.  I am grateful for the police, FBI, ATF, McGruff the Crime Dog and I don't know who friggin' else, who hunted these shitheads down, risked life and limb and even got killed, in order kill and capture them.  I am grateful to that Chinese guy in the SUV for not having a full tank of gas (Shitheads 1 & 2 were going to drive down to Times Square and let off their remaining bombs, but the SUV they jacked was running on fumes), and for escaping so he could call the cops on them.  I am grateful to that guy in Watertown whose nic-fit drove him outside for a smoke, so that he could see that Shithead #2 was hiding in and bleeding-out in his boat.  Finally, I am grateful to the politicians for doing their jobs (protecting us all) and not using a tragedy to make political capital; the media for keeping us informed and involved, making this the first social media crowd-sourced manhunt in history; the people of the United States of America for all the kind shows of support (hey, I'm the first to admit that we can be wicked-pissahs sometimes!); and NEIL freakin' DIAMOND for flying out to Boston on his own dime so he could lead the Fenway Faithful in "Sweet Caroline," a Boston Red Sox tradition.  It made us feel so good!
"So Good! So Good! So Good!"
All that said, here is where I sell my soul to the Devil.  They say that a Democrat is a person with a social conscience who loves America, believes in the American Dream, and wants to include as many people in that American dream as possible.  The same people say that a Republican is a Democrat who has just been mugged.  Perhaps that explains what is about to come out of my tortured mind right now --this quote from Barry Goldwater, of all people:

I would remind you that extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice! And let me remind you also that moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue!

It's time we in America got extreme in our defense of liberty.  Violate somebody's rights if it will save a life or stop a criminal.  The detainees at Guantanamo Bay are on a hunger strike?  Great --maybe they'll die from it and then we can finally close the prison-part (but keep the naval base part open, just to piss-off the Cuban Commies, hee hee!)  Pakistan doesn't like the Predator Drones cruising around and blowing away the terrorists that they harbor?  Ok, we've still got a bunch of B-52's around; let's roll them out and carpet-bomb their crummy Tribal Areas, killing everyone including the 40 or 50 terrorists there.  Not nice, is it? Kind of un-American, right?  Get used to it, people --and by that I mean people of the World and people of America --because this is what we need to do.
"Bang, bang, bang on the door, baby: BOOM!  BOOM!"
Let's take a step back and look to history for a moment.  The Assyrians were the first bad-ass empire to grace this planet.  They did all the usual stuff: big army, besieged cities, took prisoners and slaves and all that.  It's the degree of what they did that was the new wrinkle.  The Assyrians would make piles of skulls out of the enemy dead and place them alongside of their flayed skins in order to make a point to those whom they allowed to survive: don't piss us off.  The survivors would find themselves deported en masse throughout the Assyrian empire, where they lost their cultural identity after a generation and totally forgot that they used to belong to one of the Twelve Lost Tribes of Israel.  True, the Assyrians aren't around any more, but they did have a good run of it.

Speaking of good runs at empire making, let us consider the Romans, a bunch of Latins who started out as a picked-on collection of villages along the Tiber and ended up ruling the entire classical world.  They didn't get that far by being nice.  Take what they did to their longtime enemies, the Carthaginians.  After the Third Punic War against the Carthaginians, the Romans had clearly had enough: they depopulated the city of Carthage, pulled it down, set it on fire and then congratulated themselves on a job well done.  Oh, and then Julius Caesar built another city on top of the ruins about 100 years later.  
What's that you say?  There WASN'T a 4th Punic War?
Gosh, I wonder why...

Yeah, the Romans were kind of bad-ass that way --just ask the Jews what a couple of legions did to Masada, or ask Cleopatra why she all of a sudden felt the need to get cozy with a deadly poisonous asp, or ask the Gauls, Picts, Germans, Scythians, Numidians, Parthians --ask ANY of the entire ethnic groups that the Romans terrorized (some just for shits and grins) WHY it was that the Romans were not the kind of an empire to be messed with, and they'll probably say that it's because the Romans had them scared shitless.

Not a big fan of the Romans?  Let's take a look at some seriously ultra-violent empires, starting with Spain, 1492-1700.  After spending the previous 700 years re-taking their country from the Moors (who were extremely cool, smart, civilized --just about everything the Spanish were not), Los Reyes Catolico found their most excellent country squeezed-out of the big money trade by the Ottoman Turks and that crazy bunch of fellow-Iberians, the Portuguese.  Their solution?  Send some nutty old Italian with three ships west as far as they could go until they either reached China or, I dunno, DISCOVERED  AMERICA.

Hold on, I know what you are probably shouting at your totally cool MacBook Air monitor: How could Columbus "discover" a place that already had been discovered by Chinese Admiral Cheng-Ho, a.k.a. the Three Jeweled Eunuch (don't ask!), the Vikings, Ireland's St. Brendan, Phoenician sailors drafted by the Egyptian pharaohs, and about 50-100 million Native Americans?  Yeah, well... he discovered it as far as Spain was concerned, and that's good enough for me.

Soooo, once the Tainos and Caribs were killed off, enslaved, exploited for their meager supplies of gold and otherwise abused, the Spanish really went medieval on them: they converted the 20-30 survivors to Roman Catholicism and instituted the Inquisition among them to prevent any backsliders from worshipping the peaceful, creative forces of nature that they used to worship before the Admiral of the Ocean Sea brought them the mumps, measles, smallpox, chicken pox, the plague, and compulsory daily mass.  This conquer-exploit-convert business plan worked so well that the Spanish exported it to Mexico and Peru, which is why you can get really good paella in Mexico City today, but you can't see any human sacrifices at the Pyramid of the Sun because it isn't there anymore, and Mexicans don't do human sacrifices anymore, unless you count the hombre loco who taste-tests habanero chiles for domestic consumption.
Montezuma's other revenge
After Spain's day came and went, their empire's bones were fought over by the English, French, Dutch, Americans, and even a guy named William Walker who tried to steal Nicaragua and run it as a refuge for --and I am SO not making this up --antebellum Southern gentlemen, their families and their slaves.  None of these subsequent countries (or looney-tooney slave owners) ever came close to establishing the same iron grip over so many people and climate zones as the Spanish did.  It must have been all those missions they set up --remember the Alamo?

But for sheer power, huge vastness and terrifying ideology, one need only look toward that 20th century super-empire, the Soviet Union, for a modern lesson in how to hold sway over most of planet Earth and make everybody look good in drab, ill-fitting clothes.  The Soviets built their empire on the ruins of the old Tsarist Russian Empire, so they had a bit of a head start.  Under Josef Stalin, though, the Soviets really outdid themselves: they sailed through the Great Depression without losing one single job (work was mandatory) or closing one single bank (all bankers had been liquidated during the Russian Civil War --not a bad idea...)  They then helped to beat their former friends in Nazi Germany, took over everything "from Settin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic" and stuck it behind an Iron Curtain, stole the atomic bomb plans from those upstart Americans and threatened them with it, exported communism to such beauty spots as Iraq, North Korea, Cuba and Vietnam, sent spacecrafts to the moon and Venus, sent about 15 million of its own citizens to work-or-freeze prison camps in that winter wonderland of Siberia, and if all that wasn't enough, held kick-ass parades in Red Square every May 1st.
"One-two-three-KICK, smiles-two-three-KICK, pretty fingers, smile, three-KICK"
So, here we are in the 21st century, the one and only remaining empire on planet Earth.  Don't give me that look, we ARE  TOO an empire!  Ours is a partly commercial (all praise the almighty dollar!), partly cultural (cable TV, blockbuster movies and celebrity worship for all!), partly spiritual (oh THANK yeh JE-sus!), partly political (how come Hawaii is a state, but Puerto Rico and American Samoa aren't?), completely multi-ethnic, multi-racial, multi-linguistic and with Delaware making it 11 states that allow same-sex marriage, multi-sexual empire.  Which means that we're the only target for every serious whack-job, religious fanatic, rogue state, failed state, and band of militant breast-feeding-in-public mothers.  What to do?  How do we preserve the pax Americana and keep ourselves in business for the next three or four hundred years?

I'll tell you how: first, by making it such a super-terrific place that the whole freakin' world would want to live here, even if they had to become illegal aliens to do it --that way, everyone has a stake in maintaining a strong, nice, hygenic America and only dickheads want to harm it; second, by so totally fucking-over anybody who attacks us, be it from inside or outside, so completely and so painfully, that NObody would even THINK of attacking us ever again.  In the world of empire maintenance, they're either allied with you, subject to you, defeated by you, or dead.  So let's put some of this kick-ass technology to work huntin' terrorists whom we will waterboard if they're lucky; let's spy on every friggin' keystroke made by wannabe terrorists who are using the public library's ISP to Google "pressure-cooker bomb;" and when we catch them, how about some real reality TV --public execution by the most humiliating method science can concoct.

What's the worst that can happen?

Thanks for your soul, Adjunct Proff!

1 comment:

  1. Just a point of clarification: that last picture is the Eye of Sauron and not --I repeat, NOT --a flaming vagina.