Honor Thy Currency

Honor Thy Currency

Hi faithful followers (both of you!)  Today's posting is about money --and by this, I mean actual currency:

This kind of money

Did you know that this country has a national currency?  Anybody know what it is?  Is it this?

You know, that's what I thought too!  However, these days it's getting a little more difficult spending these little bills (and their larger denomination brothers in particular), and THAT leads to some problems with some sinister overtones, as well as some just plain pain-in-the-ass inconveniences that you may or may not experience flying an airline whose name may or may not be JetBlue.

"Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device --who the
fuck am I kidding?  We'll all be dead by the time we hit the water!"

But first, a little primer on just what hell currency is, where it came from, how long we've used it and just how it is under threat today.

I know you have heard me say it time and time again, but it all goes back to the Sumerians

GROAN!

Look, I'm sorry!  Really I am!  It's just that those li'l fuckers were so damn smart that they invented just about everything --with the exception of the arabesque raised-legged fart on demi-point (I invented that).  You see, the Sumerians were the first people who realized that it was a total pain in the scrotum to bring all the goats with you that you wanted to trade for a couple tons of mud-bricks (SO much more classy than those awful dung-bricks the Hurrians were making shit --err, stuff out of). The goats would run off, butt your trading partners in the nuts, eat everything in sight, or just plain DIE before the trade was concluded.  Something else was needed: something that had to be portable, symbolic and as non-goatlike as possible, yet simultaneously preserving the essence of what a goat actually is.

Enter the token:

I don't fit in anywhere

Uhhh, the Sumerian kind.  To solve their goat-exchange problem, the Sumerians made little clay token-sized goat figurines, each about the size of a game-board piece.  Then, all the goat herder had to do was drive his goats to a central pen, get the correct number of goat-tokens (identical to the number of actual goats he had), and hit the trade-marts of Ur, Lagash or Nineveh and haggle for his best deal.  In time, the Sumerians had a token for every item traded in their economy -even

Wait- where's the top-hat? --or the car?
--or the flatiron or the doggy, fer chrissakes?

the priestesses at Ishtar's temple got into the act (their tokens were pussy-shaped because of what they traded).  Just so long as somebody remembered to occasionally feed and water the actual goats, the goat-tokens, wheat tokens, wool tokens and pussy tokens made buying and selling stuff in Sumer a whole lot easier.

Still, the Sumerian token system wasn't quite the same thing as money, because the goat tokens could only get you goats, wool tokens only got you wool, etc.  It took a lot of time to come up with real money, and in the end, it wasn't the Sumerians or any of their relatives that did it.  But before I tell you who did it and when, let's first discuss what exactly money is and what it does.

"That's easy, Ex-Proff!  Money is that stuff the bank gives you when you cash your unemployment check!"  True, but I was thinking of a more complete discussion.  Money is a medium of exchange.  That means that one can get anything with money (except for Love, according to the Beatles song, "Money Can't Buy Me Love")  Don't believe me?  Get 250,000 dollar bills and 125 pennies, and go buy yourself a new house and a pack of gum with it.  You can do this.  You can buy a dog, a skyscraper, the air rights above it and the mineral rights below it, and the dog-park next to it so your dog can run around and play with its doggy friends.

The meal price went up since the 1970's,
but not the salary of the guy who made it.

Money is also a way of storing value.  Houses fall apart, dogs die, minerals get mined and air rights vanish into --thin air?  --but money retains its value.  Sure, currencies fluctuate in their value due to the market forces of supply and demand, inflation and deflation, gravity and the number of "likes" on FaceBook (ok, maybe not gravity), but money can still be used to buy it --only the amount changes.

Finally, money has an intrinsic value.  While the ten dollar bill in your pocket is made of ink and paper that together is worth much less than a dollar, a ten dollar gold coin from 1879 is worth about $691: the worth of the gold itself, plus the worth of the coin to coin collectors.

So, who invented this wonderful stuff called money?  It was the Lydians.  "Who the heck were they, Ex-Proff?  A girl named Lydia used to date my roommate's brother Daryll.  Was it her?"  Uh, no, the Lydians lived in present-day Turkey (which they called "Lydia" because they couldn't speak Turkish) around the 500 BC's.  They were major trade partners with the Phoenicians, who had been trading grain, dyes, olive oil, wine, adult novelties and cheap imitation Egyptian knick-knacks (the Phoenicians lived in modern-day Lebanon but called it Phoenicia because they weren't all lesbians).  Because of all that trade flowing through their country, the king, named Croesus, had one of his smartest pointy-heads come up with this little gem: the coin.

Croesus picked the lion-eating-a-goat motif over the pretty-ponies-and-rainbows
motif because fuck-yeah, Croesus had a pair of iron cojones

Strangely enough (or who didn't see THAT one coming), this new invention made Croesus the richest king in the entire ancient known world because HE  EFFING  INVENTED  MONEY and whenever he ran out of it he just MADE  SOME  MORE.  He was so stinking rich that he became famous for just being rich.  How wack is that: being famous for being rich?  Wow, people were really dumb back then.  There's NO way something like that would ever happen in today's modern world!

I dated Croesus.  He's hot.

This kind of ticked-off Croesus because he did a lot of stuff besides being rich that he was really proud of, stuff like being a king of an entire country, taking credit for inventing money, fighting wars and even winning a couple times.  But no, all anybody ever wanted to hear about was the money-thing: how much do you have?  --where do you keep it?  --what are you going to do with it?  --can I borrow some?  --I have this great business proposition I want to tell you about, if you could just spare me a moment of your time.  You get the picture.  The important thing about Croesus' invention is what happened to it later: everybody else used it, and I do mean everybody.  Greeks, Romans, Parthians, Bythnians, Numidians, Mauritanians, Egyptians, Samaritans --even the Jews!

You know, I really think this money thing could be big...

Throughout history, money got some updates and improvements --paper money, national currencies, non-precious metal coins --but has basically remained something ol' King Croesus could recognize and know how to use.  Until now.  Today, money is in danger of going extinct, with the advent of bitcoin, debit cards and various non-monetary negotiable instruments, like credit default swap certificates and commodity future options.  And 7-Eleven stores.  And passenger airlines like JetBlue.

Here's the deal: money can be counterfeited, lost, stolen, and used for illegal transactions like buying drugs, unregistered handguns or prostitution, all things governments hate (yeah, right!)  Another thing that governments hate about cash is that it's really hard to tax transactions conducted in cash, because they have to hope the buyer or seller report the transaction and pay the tax on it.  And so this type of thing is happening: cash is no longer accepted, or its use is viewed suspiciously.  7-Elevens won't accept 50 or 100 dollar bills, because convenience stores are always getting robbed and the Middle Easterners who own those stores don't want to lose a bunch of money to robbers.  Airlines don't accept money for drinks because the flight attendants were either stealing it, losing it or never having enough change for the douche-canoe in 14-A who paid for his Sprite with a c-note.  And every transaction in cash of $10,000 or more must be reported to the IRS.

Negative, he's just a harmless nut who wants to spend his money.
Roger, I'll hit him up for a campaign contribution.

But here's the OTHER deal: every bill printed in America has this little note written on it: "This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private."  So that means that Bhadjee at the LateNight Mart and Aimee at JetBlue are breaking the law when they refuse to take my real, non-counterfeited U.S. currency, right?  I actually researched this question the last time I saw President Obama- I asked one of his Secret Service dudes (who were getting paid by my taxes to essentially keep me as far away from the President as possible and still be in the same gymnasium as him) if they thought it was illegal and he said, "Probably."  There you have it: a guy who works for the Treasury Department said it might be illegal to not take money for stuff you want to buy.  So EAT  IT, Bhadjee and Aimee!!!

Seriously though, I think this is a great lawsuit waiting to happen.  All it would take is to have some shlub denied the opportunity to spend his or her money, and then they could sue the pants off whatever company denied them.  I would do it in a heartbeat, except I have no money to pay a lawyer.  Or to pay the filing fee.  Or to make the original purchase.  Which is why I am accepting donations through this blog --just don't send cash, please.

Conventional Wisdom

Bueller? Anyone? Anyone?

Earlier this week, a friend posted a link to the movie by Robert Reich, Inequality for All.  Here's PBS' take on it: Reich.  All this got me to thinking: has the American Republic finally run its course?  Is it time to hang up the Stars 'n Stripes and tell everyone to go back to the countries their grandparents emigrated from --all that is except for the Native Americans, because that would just be silly!  Time to hang a "Closed" sign beside the Golden Door?  Well, I for one don't think so, at least not yet.  There's still one more tool in our toolbelt --one last arrow in the quiver our Founding Fathers bequeathed to us.  I am referring to, of course, the Constitutional Convention.

But wait a minute there, Ex-Prof!  I hear you cry.  There has already been a constitutional convention back in 1789, and it gave us the wonderful government we have today.  Besides, if anything ever goes wrong with the constitution, we can pass amendments to it and don't have to scrap the whole thing.  Well, to that I say that our present form of government might have worked well enough for an elite-lead, semi-slavery dependent European society perched on the eastern coast of North America in the 18th century, but too much water has flowed under Concord Bridge between then and now.  And amendments are not suited to such a fundamental restructuring of power as will be needed this time.  Besides, our Founders would be flabbergasted, if they were around today to flabb and gast, when we tell them there hasn't been a Constitutional Convention since the one they had.

One friggin' convention in over 200 years?!?  You lazy poops!

We need a new government, one that realizes that there are things like typewriters, telegraphs, this doohicky called the Interwebs or something like that --improved means of communication that can make us a much more participatory, real, actual democracy.  We also need a government that will safeguard those freedoms our founders saw as sacred, freedoms that indeed are sacred.

First, let's get the law down straight.  Article V of the U.S. Constitution states in part:

The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or, on the Application of the Legislatures of two thirds of the several States, shall call a Convention for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as Part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Legislatures of three fourths of the several States, or by Conventions in three fourths thereof, as the one or the other Mode of Ratification may be proposed by the Congress  
Italics added.

What this means is that the several States of the United States (2/3 of them, to be exact) can cry "Shenanigans!" on the whole federal government, call a convention like the one pictured above, and set up a brand-new government.  Oh yeah, and then get 3/4 of the states to ratify it.  Sound difficult?  Well, it's supposed to.  Founding Father Thomas Jefferson wrote in his little pamphlet, the Declaration of Independence, that "Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes;" to this end, he and the original bunch in Philadelphia made it hard to add amendments and call new Constitutional Conventions --they didn't want us to turn into something like Italy became after WWII.

For the record, the slave's name was Sally Hemings,
not Prudence.  I don't recall any slave named --wait,
what?  I appear to have misspoken.  Y'all go back to
reading this fine blog.

But having a new convention would be scary, Ex-Prof!  What new kind of total buggery-factory-of-a-government would result from such a convention? Why can't we just let Congress, the President and the Courts fix things, just like they've done all this time?  Why rock the boat?  Why fix what isn't broken?

First of all, it just might be scary, especially if the proceedings are shrouded in secrecy just like the first convention was.  But if it's televised, the whole thing could become the reality-show-to-end-all-reality-shows and just might make C-Span bigger than HBO. Why not steal a bit from American Idol, Dancing with the Has-Beens and The Real Housewife Pawn Stars of Duck Dynasty: if the convention gets hopelessly deadlocked on an issue, such as how many parking spaces a Senator is constitutionally allowed within walking distance of their office, then they could open the phones and allow America to vote.  So yeah, it might be really exciting instead of frightening.

What kind of new government would emerge?  Be buggered if I know.  I can tell you that the government that emerges from the new convention would be acceptable to at least 3/4 of the state legislatures, which means it would be acceptable to roughly 3/4 of voting Americans, so at the very least it would have an approval rating higher than the federal government enjoys today.  Oh sure, there will be the discontented --Patrick "Give me Liberty or Give me Death!" Henry hated the first convention, and (I totally swear I am NOT making this up) the entire state of Rhode Island  boycotted it because somebody made a crack at how short Rhode Islanders' post-colonial schlongeroos were.  I suspect it was Alexander Hamilton who said that.  Also, Rhode Island was in a general sulk after the Revolution anyway.  Their entire state government was dominated by these ultra-radicals who pushed their agenda of having a simple, uncomplicated state of rural pastoralists and hearty fisher-folk, completely ignoring their neighbors in what would eventually become the United States of America, and take their place among the independent nations of the world.  

So yeah, don't expect the KKK, Idaho survivalists or the Westboro Baptist Church to be on-board with the new government, but at least there's a chance that fewer rational people will be against it.

"The Ocean State" because "The Tiny Suspicious State full of
Tiny Guys with Tiny Little Dicks" wouldn't fit on the sign.

Asking Congress, the President and the Courts to fix the problems with our present federal government is not such a good idea.  I suspect that they would all secretly like to quit or run the whole sorry business into the ground and then collect unemployment (from whom they would collect is unclear at the moment) --didn't Congress shut the government down a couple of times just recently?  Besides, asking government to fix itself is completely dumb.  I mean really, if somebody came to your company and told it to fix all the problems, even if it meant firing everybody and starting all over again back in the Stone Age, my guess is that everybody from CEO to janitor would say, "No problems here!  Everything is awesome!"  (ha ha, that stupid song from "The Lego Movie" is now bouncing around inside your brain, isn't it, bwa-ha-ha!!!)

Now on this question of rocking the boat and fixing what ain't broke: the only reason that the Ship of State is not on fire is that it sank sometime early in George "Dubbyah" Bush's first term and nobody really saw it.  We were too busy watching the Twin Towers fall and then searching for weapons of mass-destruction in Iraq to notice.  Case in point: Congress can't pass a law fixing immigration, so they instead grumble about impeaching the president for "failing to secure the borders" --is this a high crime, or a misdemeanor, as required by under Article II? --and THIS president has deported more illegal immigrants than any president before!  Oh, and all the courts are saying about illegal immigrants is that there are too few lawyers to represent the potential deportees, so they're holding deportation hearings in RFK Stadium now.

No caption needed

So, with all the free time you have now that you're out of work, or because the miserable job you have managed to somehow hang onto has now reduced you to part-time so they can stop paying your health benefits, you can pester your state legislature and its legislators to do this: call for a new constitutional convention!  And while you're at it, get yourself appointed to your state's delegation to that convention to make sure that a) nothing underhanded goes on; and b) you have a job for however long it takes to give this country a new government.  One that works.  And that isn't in the pocket of big business.  And that smells nice.  Ok, it doesn't have to smell nice, but it does have to have good hair.  And be fair and just and all that good stuff.